You Got Someone Fired For A Tweet. Congratulations, That Kind of Makes You An Asshole.

Let me just tell you how much I knew about Dan Grilo before Tuesday night.

Nothing. I’d never even heard of him. I don’t even know if I’m spelling his name right, the Google shows it a couple of different ways.

Let me tell you how much I know about him now: he volunteered for Hillary and Obama and he used to work for Liberty Advisor Group. Also, he made a really stupid tweet about Carryn Owens, widow of U.S. Navy Special Operator, Senior Chief William “Ryan” Owens.

When I say “stupid” I’m not actually talking about the content of the tweet. I’m talking about the fact that he thought he could express himself on social media in a non-threatening way about a current event.

I have an opinion about Grilo’s (or however you spell it) sentiments towards the families of those who gave the ultimate sacrifice, but I’m not going to remark on that beyond saying, yea, I didn’t love the tweet (fun secret bonus fact: a lot of times I just ignore tweets I don’t like).

What I am going to say is this: I see y’all on the Twitter. I know you love it there. We tweet and tweet away, happy to have a place where we can just spout off about whatever is on our minds. Some stuff gets pushback, some stuff gets ignored, some stuff gets mad love. Just a day in the life.

But then there’s that one tweet…that one tweet where people forget that they’re just reading words on a screen and decide it’s time to go after your job. YOUR JOB. The thing that feeds your kids,  pays your bills, makes you a productive member of society. And yet people feel perfectly comfortable trying to yank that away from somebody.

I think the only time I ever social media’d at someone’s job was in defense of some little liberal twit who made a dumb remark about the jawbone of an ass, and what I said was basically “please don’t fire this kid until the firestorm blows over, because it will”.

I don’t like it when either side does this shit. In fact, I hate it. It’s shitty and if it adds value to your life to wreck someone else’s because you don’t like how they expressed themselves on social media, guess what? You’re the asshole.


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I Can Has Rant?

Okay, it’s no secret that I’m not a real deep thinker. I like to keep things lighthearted and even though I love politics, I don’t like to fight about them. I don’t mind a debate as long as it’s civil and respectful on both sides. That? Is not a thing that is happening these days.

I’m not even going to bother talking about Right vs. Left, because those debates have been nasty for years now. What’s really irking me is this Red-on-Red infighting over Donald Freaking Trump.

When the Republican field first shaped up, I was more excited about an election  than I have been in years. I even bragged about it to my liberal friends (yes, I do have some). I felt like we finally had a real shot at getting the White House back. Even with Trump in the lineup, I thought ‘Oh, we’ve so got this.” I assumed, like a lot of people I know, that the final candidate would be either Cruz or Rubio.

Well guess what? That didn’t happen. I’ll admit that at first I thought the Trump campaign was a joke, the whim of a very rich man to see how far he could take it. I still kind of think that. And yes, I found some of his online supporters to be loathsome. You know how I handled them? I ignored them. Like I said, I don’t like to fight about politics. I understand that some people do and that’s fine, whatever floats your boat.

But now here we are, and Trump is the nominee. Lots of people don’t like that. I’m not thrilled with it, but I also cannot stomach the idea of a Hillary Clinton presidency. I will be voting for Donald Trump in November.

I honestly don’t care how anyone votes or even if they don’t vote at all. I’m not going to try to change anyone’s mind, and I’m not sure at this point that’s even possible anyway. What I cannot stand, however, is the astonishing arrogance of some of the Never Trump crowd. The way they talk down to people, the way they brag about their principles, the way they continue to float ridiculous ideas like a David French candidacy (side note: nobody knows who the fuck he is). The smug self-righteousness is almost unbearable at this point.  Okay, y’all, we get the freaking point…you don’t like Donald Trump, you’ve never liked Donald Trump, it’s not your fault he’s the nominee. Good for you, have a cookie, and get the hell over yourself while you’re at it.

Thank you. We now return to our irregulary scheduled posts about cooking and how much I love Johnny Depp.

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White Trash Hors d’oeuvres, Part 1

Happy Super Bowl Weekend! Because I love you all so much, I will share with you one of my world famous White Trash Hors d’oeuvres recipes. You will need:
  • Nabisco Sociables
  • Kraft Old English Cheese Spread
  • Hormel Real Bacon Bits
  • Paper Plate

1. Dump a goodly amount of bacon bits on the center of the paper plate.

2. Spread the Old English on a cracker (I prefer the rectangle ones)

3. Press the cracker cheese-side down into the bacon bits pile

4. Try to eat at least two before everyone else in the house realizes you are making them.

Don’t be intimidated…it sounds complicated but I have faith you can pull this off!

Note: if you’re making these for company, I recommend Chinet or similar for paper plate. Otherwise those super thin off-brand white ones that are a bitch to peel apart are just fine.

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The Gingerbread Crackhouse and Other Christmas Traditions

I feel bad for my kids. I do. Every year I try to create a festive, stress-free holiday infused with the true spirit of Christmas and timeless family traditions.

What actually happens is this:

Someone (hint: not me) got the idea that it would be a good idea for us to try our hand at the time-honored Christmas craft of the Gingerbread House. In an effort to prove that I really am a good mother, I forged ahead, setting up shop at the kitchen table.

The end result is what you see above…the culinary equivalent of government-funded housing. The roof panels started sliding apart almost immediately and it pretty much went downhill from there. Oh, we made an attempt to festively decorate according to the picture on the box, but IMO we were doomed from the start. Combine a creativity challenged mother and kids with the attention span of, well, kids, and you ain’t exactly looking at The Home & Garden Network. We gave up right about the time they finished all the “good” candy parts, leaving the poor Gingerbastards whose home this was intended to be slumped despondently in front of their allegedly edible shack. I say allegedly because who the hell actually eats a Gingerbread house?

My son, that is who. Unfortunately I failed to get a picture of the final indignity suffered by the above-mentioned residents of Potterville, but the boy certainly enjoyed himself.

On the plus side I learned I would make an excellent slumlord.

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How To Make The Perfect Grilled Cheese

Ah, the grilled cheese sandwich. It’s an American classic (unless it was invented somewhere else in which case forget I said that and also shut up because I don’t want to hear about it), simple to make and beloved by all ages.

Because I’m a nice person, and because I’d rather be goofing off on the computer rather than doing something actually productive, I will share with you my very simple technique for making the perfect grilled cheese.

To begin with, you can forget all that nonsense about how it doesn’t matter what kind of cheese and/or bread you use because IT MATTERS VERY MUCH. American cheese and white bread are the only acceptable combination for a classic grilled cheese and if you think otherwise you’re probably a communist and I don’t want you reading my blog.

Okay, now that the commies are gone here’s what you do:

  1. Take a small fry pan (about 6″, I guess, I’m not real good with math) and place it on medium heat
  2. Throw a goodly sized chunk of butter (tablespoon-ish) in the pan
  3. While the butter melts, assemble the sandwich by laying 4 slices of cheese between 2 pieces of white bread. I overlap my cheese so that not a whole lot hangs over the edge, it’s just a thing I have, but SOME overhang is okay I guess
  4. Once the butter is melted (IMPORTANT: do not over-melt the butter – you want it to just before it starts bubbling, I think there’s a word for it but I don’t remember what it is. As an aside, did you ever wish there was a simple and easy way to look up information these days?), swirl the pan around so that the butter is coating the whole bottom
  5. Slap the sandwich dead center in the pan, then (THIS IS KEY) use a spatula to scooch it all around so that it sucks up all the butter. I mean it, there should be no butter left in the pan
  6. Cover the pan so that the heat is trapped and the cheese will melt
  7. This next part is kinda tricky…you don’t want to hover over the stove because that’s boring. So I suggest giving it about 3 minutes before you check (Pro tip for smokers: I usually smoke about half a cigarette, then check). Lift the sandwich up and do a visual inspection. You want that perfect golden brown appearance (hard to put into words, but you’ll know it when you see it). If you’re not there yet, give it another 2 minutes or so. After that you kind of do have to hover and check every minute or so because you DO not want to overcook
  8. Once the first side is done, remove the sandwich from the pan and the pan from the heat. Throw in another goodly chunk of butter, swirl it around as it melts, place back on stove and repeat steps 5 through 7
  9. Happiness

See how easy? This is not rocket surgery, people. If do you want to get a little fancy you can add pre-cooked bacon to your sandwich but anything else (looking at you, HAM) is gross. Some people also like to cut the sandwich before serving it but I’m not getting into that debate because I got enough problems in my life.

Bon Appetit! (no idea what that means, again, wish there was handy way to look this stuff up!)


BONUS TIP: For company, serve with olives unless you hate your guests in which case pickles.

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***World Exclusive – My Interview With Johnny Depp***

Let’s just jump right in, shall we? I’m the one in italics.


Johnny, thanks so much for sitting down with us.

JD (doing his little smirky face): There’s only one of you.

I’m using the journalistic “us”, Johnny.

JD: Can I smoke in here?

Ha! I smoke constantly in my blog. I’d be offended if you didn’t smoke. By the way, last night was awesome.

JD: I’m sorry?

You know, last night? When we attended the Oscars together and I got up and threw a shoe at the presenter because you got screwed out of yet another “Best Actor” and then you said “That’s my girl!” and then we made out?

JD: Um….(exhales smoke)…that didn’t actually happen.

*rolls eyes* Ohhhhkay. Anyway,is it true that you named your son, Jack, after an imaginary pirate that you play in a movie? Because if that is true it would be ridiculous. Ha ha. I mean people think that I named my son, Jack, after an imaginary pirate that you played in a movie and then I have to remind them that he is actually named Jackson, which I got off of Hannah Montana and that it is just a coincidence that the short form of Jackson is Jack (which, as you may be aware, is the name of an imaginary pirate you played in a movie).

JD: What is truth, really? I mean, we all have this concept of truth and really everyones concept is so different and Tim, you know Tim, (runs hands through hair) is , like, he has this beautiful perspective and so…


JD: Tim. Tim Burton. We have a new movie coming out.


JD: Uh…yea. Isn’t that why we’re doing this interview?

Oh, right, sure. Ha. So, let me guess…Helena Bonham Carter is in this one too *coughbangingthedirectorcough*.

JD: Yes, she plays the Red Qu-

A lot of people say I look like Helena. You kind of have to agree:





JD: Yea, so…as I was saying-

Do you remember when I said I would never talk to you again because you worked with Roman Polanski and then it turned out you said all these mean things about him and then I forgave you?

JD: Uh, no?

Dude, it was on my Facebook.

JD: Okay, I’m going now.

One last question…do you always show up for interviews shirtless or was that just for me?

*door slams*

Johnny? Johnny?


And there you have it folks, my world exclusive interview with Johnny Depp. Celebrities can be so touchy, what with all the looking around for the exit and taking out restraining orders.
Editor’s Note: The author’s son is in fact named after her Godfather, John, who goes by Jack and is one of the men she most admires in the world, but really one family can only handle only so many people named John and even though she did get the full name Jackson off of Hannah Montana, that was pretty much an afterthought.

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